


I Just want to Be Free!

by Pastel_Deku



Category: Free!
Genre: Collage, Crying, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, lack of motivation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-23 16:09:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16622141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pastel_Deku/pseuds/Pastel_Deku
Summary: While moving to Australia to swim has been exciting at the time, Rin is faced with haunting past memories he can't seem to shake





	1. Haunting Memories

' _Hey Haru...'_

_'Hm?' The black haired boy answered softly as he looked over at Rin._

_'We'll be friends forever, right?' His voice held its usual confidence, but the end wavered a bit with uncertainty._

_Haruka sighed softly and nodded. 'Of course.' His voice was still monotonous, but it was convincing enough to the red head._

_'Great!' Rin grinned, tackling the other boy in a hug while Haru stiffened up slightly. 'I don't want to forget you, Haru. And you'd better not forget me when I leave for Australia!'_

 

*******************************

 

Rin Matsuoka woke up with a small gasp, then frowned to himself at the memory. 'Of all the stupid things in my head...' It hadn't been too long since he left Samezuka Academy and gone off to collage, thus leaving most of his friends behind. At first it was rather easy; he worked just as hard with his schooling as swimming, got good grades, and was doing well mentally and physically.

 

He liked where he was overall - at least until recently. Though the maroon-eyed male enjoyed being in Australia, it brought back some rather...unwanted memories of the past.

 

Rin sat up in bed and squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to cease himself from thinking about it. Normally in this case, he would try to do something to keep his mind off of it. Whether it would be swimming, going for a run, or just taking a shower.

 

But that was back when he was in Japan. Rin opened his eyes again and sighed softly, ' _Everything was always so much easier in Japan..._ ' He debated whether it was worth it to get out of bed, but ended up laying back down. He hadn't had the strength to do much of anything nowadays. He still went to his classes, but even that was a struggle. The most he could attend was three before skipping the rest and going back to his apartment.

 

And swimming? Rin laughed bitterly to himself at the thought. He had stopped about a month back. It wasn't like he was quitting; no, Rin would never actually quit again, but it was more on the fact he was too tired to go. It was a struggle for him to even will himself to get out of bed in the morning, so swimming was out of the question.

 

He knew that Sosuke and Gou were worried about him, but it's not like he cared. He kept telling himself that: he didn't care. But if his was completely honest, Rin knew that he really did care - heck, he wanted to yell and cry, to beg them to save him from drowning in his mind...but he didn't.

 

The red head was stuck in his silent suffering, not allowing anyone to save him. ' _After all, if they really did know, they would think I was disgusting._ ' He clenched his teeth and inhaled sharply, striving not to cry.

 

Rin balled his fists and dug his nails into his palms, creating crescent shaped dents in the skin. He continued to lay motionless in bed; knowing if anyone would have seen him from a distance, they would have presumed him dead. 

 

The shark boy smiled spitefully to himself, wondering if death felt the same as he felt. His mind drifted to the thoughts of tomorrow. At the rate he was feeling, it wouldn't be unlikely for him to just skip his classes all together.

 

Sighing heavily, he tried to shift his thoughts to anything that was at least a bit more positive. Rin knew it wasn't good for someone to sit with as much self-loathing as he did, so naturally he would make a weak effort to change his mind.

 

' _I guess going home will be nice..._ ' Rin thought to himself, his mind drifting to the time in the next two weeks. He was close to finishing up the semester and looking forward to seeing his friends and sister. Though the passion to see everyone had died down quite a bit, Rin was hoping that by going he would feel at least a bit better.

 

He tossed and turned in the bedsheets, trying to fight off the sleep that was threatening to consume over his body. The red head growled softly to himself and sat back up, reaching for his phone on his nightstand. He was desperate for anything that would keep him awake, not caring about what the lack of sleep would cost him.

 

No matter what, Rin would not be pulled back into the dreams that he so greatly feared. It wasn't that memory with Haru had been horrible, on the contrary it was quite pleasant compared to what he normally saw in his mind. The only part about it that the maroon eyed male had hated was...well, all of it. He hated how innocent and naive he was back then. How much he wanted to go swim in Australia, just to have his passion ripped away from him.

 

Things would have been so much better if he had just stayed in Japan. If he had, none of that would have happened to him. Rin threw his phone across the room and clenched the bedsheets until his knuckles turned white. No, he wouldn't think about it, not now. He couldn't afford to let himself slip into those thoughts again, let alone say the word.

 

The last time he truly thought about it- Rin swallowed hard, his hands moving up to bury themselves in his red hair as he pulled roughly on the silky strands. The maroon eyed male winced slightly at the pain, but used whatever it would take to force himself out of the dark waters of his mind.

 

Yes, Rin Matsuoka was dying, and no one seemed to know why.

 


	2. Worry

 

Gou Matsuoka was concerned to say the least. Ever since Rin had gone away to collage he was becoming as distant as he was when he first left for Australia. She had texted him almost everyday to check up on him, but the shark-boy would only respond about once a week - and when he did, it was often with only one to two words saying 'I’m fine' or, 'collage is great'.

 

“Hey Gou!”

 

The red haired girl was shaken out of her thoughts and realized that she was still at the pool with Rei and Nagisa.

 

“Y-Yeah?” She answered the blonde boy, mentally face-palming that she had stuttered due to the fact she was still lost in thought.

 

“Rei and I were just wondering how much longer we have to go,” Nagisa paused for a second as his expression turned slightly concerned. “You okay?”

 

She sighed softly and smiled. “I’m fine. I was just thinking about Rin.”

 

Rei swam up next to the pink-eyed male and frowned slightly. “Now that you mention it, Sousuke did say that Rin was acting very peculiar the last time we spoke.”

 

Gou nodded half-heartedly as she sighed again. “Sousuke is coming back around the same time Rin is, right?”

 

Both males nodded in unison. “Hey Gou, you’ve spoken to Rin recently. How is he?”

 

“He-“ She furrowed her eyebrows and seemed to almost go back to staring off into space, “I mean, I think he’s doing alright. To be honest, Rin hasn’t been talking to me all that much in the last few months. It is pretty worrisome...”

 

Nagisa’s shoulders slumped a little as he sunk lower in the water until only his eyes were visible.

 

They all went quiet for a few minutes, seeming to all be lost in thought until Rei spoke up. “I wonder what could be bothering him...”

 

Gou absentmindedly tugged at the hem of her skit as she looked at the two. “He’s acted like this before, but that was when he first got back from Australia. Every time he would come back, Rin appeared to be getting worse and worse with whatever was going on. I would tell Mom that something was happening, but she believed that it had to do with him missing his friends and finding his way in a new country.”

 

“He’s...probably still adjusting to the collage life. After all, it can be pretty stressful at first.” Rei said softly, giving Gou an encouraging smile.

 

She smiled weakly back at him. “I hope you’re right...”

 

******************************************

 

Later that night, Gou flopped back down on the bed with yawn, allowing her mind to breathe for a second after finishing all of her homework. She thought about the end of the year, the swim team, and eventually, Rin. Though she knew Rei was trying to make her feel better, the reassurance did not help.

 

She reached across her bed and grabbed her phone, flipping it open before dialing Sousuke’s number.

 

Gou sat quietly and waited, crossing her fingers that he would pick up.

 

“Hello?” Sousuke’s voice rang through on the third ring.

 

“Hey Sousuke! How have you been?”

 

“Gou! I’ve been good! It’s great to hear your voice. How are you?”

 

The red headed girl smiled when she could practically see his happiness. “I’ve been good! You know, just wrapping up the end of the year and everything.” She stopped once she remembered the reason for calling him and sighed. “Sousuke?”

 

He hummed a bit in acknowledgment.

 

"Have you talked to Rin lately? I mean, I keep trying to reach out to him, but nothing seems to be working...I'm really worried about him..."

 

Gou heard Sousuke sigh from the other side before it went silent. She was wondering if there connection was bad until he cut through her thoughts.

 

"I wasn't going to tell you this, but I did talk to him a few days ago. He didn't give me a whole lot of information, but you're right. There is something going on with him." Sousuke paused a second before continuing, "Don't let him know that I did this, but I called the school to see what his swim time was because Rin wouldn't tell me himself. But when I asked them, they said that he hadn't been to training in weeks. Needless to say, I was shocked."

 

Gou couldn't hold back the gasp of surprise that escaped her lips. It seemed like all of her worse fears were coming to life. "A-Are you sure?"

 

The black haired male nodded, even though she couldn't see him. "Positive. Look, I'll be going back to Japan around the same time Rin comes back, so I'll check up on him. I promise."

 

"A-Alright..." Her voice came out barely above a whisper as she attempted to wrap her mind around the fact her brother was slowly slipping away again.

 

"I won't let anything bad happen to him in the mean time." Sousuke paused as a yawn slipped out, "It's getting pretty late here. I wish I could keep talking, but I might end up falling asleep on you." Gou smiled weakly as the older male tried to lighten the mood. "I'll keep you updated on anything I find out."

 

"Okay" Gou said quietly as she laid back on her bed. "Talk to you later then." They both said goodbye and hung up as Gou stared up at the ceiling deep in thought.

 

' _Please brother, whatever's bothering you, don't let it bring you down. When you came back home from Australia the first time, I thought you were gone. Don't leave me behind again..._ '


	3. Strained Reunions

 

The time had finally rolled around for Rin to make his journey back to Japan - which had been giving him quite a lot of anxiety the few days prior.

 

On the morning of when his alarm went off, the red head barely made any effort to shut it off. Rin lied in bed, debating with himself whether it was worth it to actually go or not for about five minutes before deciding to get up.

 

' _And of course I'll have to shower..._ ' He groaned softly, complaining to himself over what needed to be done in order to function at least a bit in society. The shark boy hadn't showered in over a week due to his broken state of mind, and it was quite obvious by his appearance.

 

Though in the past at home whenever Rin needed to block out the memories, showering would help. Not anymore. Seeing that he was back in Australia, being in any kind of water just seemed to recreate the old horrors that would replay throughout his mind constantly.

 

As Rin stripped off his clothing while waiting for the water to heat up, he avoided looking in the mirror in fear he would see someone else looking back at him.

 

No matter how much the shark boy would try to look at his body, he knew the other reason was because of the hideous scars that marred his thighs - yet another reminder of his past.

 

Once heated up, he stepped into the water and tensed up at the heat that ran down his body. "Shit..." Rin mumbled, struggling to keep the intruding thoughts blocked from his mind. Rin turned the shower knob all the way to the hottest setting, hissing quietly in pain as the water scorched his skin.

 

"At least it blocks out the memories..." The red headed male smiled bitterly to himself as he quickly finished washing up and jumped out of the shower, getting dressed with lightening speed once he realized that he was going to be late for his flight if he didn't hurry soon.

 

************************************

 

"Hey, it'll be alright. His plane will be landing soon." Nagisa said with a small smile as he looked over to a very nervous Gou.

 

"I-I know, it's just-" She paused and took a deep breath, "I don't know what kind of shape he's in. Sousuke said he would talk to him, but that was a while ago." The red headed girl buried her face in her hands. "I just wish that he, Makoto, and Haru could be here sooner."

 

Rei and Nagisa exchanged a worried glance before looking at the ground, not really sure what to say to the girl.

 

After quite a bit of time of awkwardly shifting around in silence, the three looked up with nervous anticipation, their gaze set on the passengers walking off the plane.

 

Gou looked around for her brother, worrying her bottom lip anxiously.

 

Time itself seemed to stop and stand still when the two Matsuoka sibling's eyes met.

 

"B-Brother?"

 

"...Hey Gou..."


End file.
